Mirror, Mirror
by yuliya inna
Summary: Mary Anne's difficulties facing the friends she'd abandoned years ago leave her struggling with her personal identity.
1. Chapter 1

My name is Mary Anne Spier, however from two days after my high school graduation until almost three months ago, my name was Mary Anne Wilson. Out of fear, I moved to Toronto, Canada without saying good bye to any of my closest friends or my family. I met Nigel, a psychologist with a Ph.D in Social Work from England. He was on vacation, and after knowing him for a day and a half, we'd ended up married and living together in his hotel room. He soon got a work Visa and started a practice in Toronto, and we moved into a sophisticated condominium in the heart of downtown Toronto.

I kept my entire life a secret from my husband, though we were married for nearly five years. He didn't know until after our second anniversary that I was an American! I never loved him, and I was never able to find trust in him either. I lived as his wife - spoiled like a princess - but neither of us cared for the other at heart. He cheated on me mercilessly, spending entire weekends away. He'd always return with expensive gifts when he slept with another woman. Our split was a mutual decision; we weren't right for each other and we both were sick of the charade.

Nigel moved back to England soon after we split, something I was not upset about in the least. The farther away from the lie I'd been living, the better. If only I could remember who the true Mary Anne was... I decided she was lost forever - I may be able to retrieve pieces of her, but her essence was gone forever. In another attempt to discover my new identity, I'd started introducing myself as Ryanne, pronounced "Ree-Anne", and gotten a job as the assistant to Damon Tyler, the owner of Magik, one of the most popular nightclubs in Toronto. I was being paid $17.50 an hour essentially to follow Damon around in a tight mini-dress, making phone calls or fetching he and his "associates" drinks every now and then.

I'd considered calling my friends several times, but I was afraid they would reject me. After all, I had left minutes after graduation without a second thought. I'd still kept in contact with my father, though I never gave him my address or a number to contact me. I sent letters and cards without a return address, and called him most often from work, so the number wasn't displayed. I wondered about my friends and how they were doing. Did Claudia become the artist she'd always dreamed of? Was Stacey living in New York City, married with a fantastic career? And Kristy, what was Kristy doing? I knew through my father that Dawn had become a stay-at-home mom, and her husband was an advocate for autistic rights.

More than anyone, I'd always tried to imagine what Logan had become. He came to see me graduate, but like Claudia, he'd been held back so he would graduate a year later. He had scouts from colleges all over the country watching him play football, and I encouraged him to continue with it. I hope he did, he was so talented, even as a 17 year old. I never knew much about football, but I could tell that he was in a league above everyone else in Stoneybrook.

So, who is Mary Anne Spier? She's a fun-loving, albeit quiet and modest, woman with a heart of gold. She has practical values and is beginning to enjoy "the unknown". Charismatic and adorable, she's always willing to listen and allows for critique (which she tries not to take to heart). Maybe she is becoming Ryanne, after all? 


	2. Chapter 2

I was too afraid to face the girls I'd spent my childhood with, the people I'd told all my secrets to, the ones who've seen me at my worst and still stood by me to the end. But everything was changing so fast, I still panic when I imagine myself back in that situation. Everyone was going away to college, and even though I'd always been an honours student, I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. So I left and I hadn't spoken to any of them since then.

Which is why I was so surprised when I got a phone call from a familiar sounding friend from my past. "Hey, it's Claudia, remember me?"

Of course I remembered Claudia, how could I forget her? What shocked me even more than hearing her voice was what she had to tell me: "I tracked down your number from your father. I thought you really needed to know this... Listen, Kristy, she... she died..."

The words echoed in my ears like an empty auditorium.

"Her funeral is on Sunday, please come?" Claudia pleaded. I was too dumbstruck to process what she'd just told me, so I ended the conversation quickly.

My childhood best friend, the girl I'd grown up with! I tried to understand, but the more I tried to reason, the more confused and terrified I became. With one sentence, I knew my life had changed. I knew it was a mistake to hide away for so long. All I could do was curl into a ball on my bed and cry.

Hours later, my roommate Noémie returned home from work. Noémie Vienne was a tall, dark-haired beauty who'd just been cast in a series of high-fashion runway shows. She was the first person I met in Toronto, and after separating from Nigel, she offered to share her apartment with me. It was a large apartment, still downtown.

Noémie walked past my bedroom, peaking her head in the doorway quickly to announce her return. Instead of continuing down the hallway to either her bedroom or the bathroom, she walked in and asked if I was okay. I said nothing, so she sat next to me on my bed and rubbed my back gently.

Eventually I explained the news I'd gotten, realizing I didn't know how Kristy had passed away. Was it an accident? Was she sick? A knot grew in my chest and throat, something I identified as guilt and regret. The last words I'd ever said to Kristy were so juvenile: "I hope I don't fall going up to get my diploma!". What she must have thought of me for all these years, leaving with no explanation, not a word.

Noémie hugged me tightly, caressing my hair. She whispered into my ear, "It's not your fault". I couldn't tell for sure, but her voice was cracking slightly, leading me to believe she was crying with me.

Later on that evening, I mustered up the courage to call Claudia back. She understood why I couldn't speak to her when she called, and she answered the very important question - Kristy had been secretly battling thyroid cancer, not even telling her family until weeks before she succumbed to the disease. Claudia apologized for having to cut the conversation short, and explained she had to pick up her daughter from a friend's house.

"Noémie, how am I going to get to Stoneybrook?" I sighed. I'd never gotten a driver's license, and I couldn't nearly afford a plane ticket until my payday, which was over a week later than my trip. Noémie suggested she would drive with me. After all, I would need a friend with me to confront all of the people I'd abandoned. She also suggested we arrive early so I could reconnect and spend time with my family, so we would be leaving the following morning.

The knot in my chest was pulsating. Not only did I feel guilt and regret, but anxiety and apprehension had been added. I worried about how I would speak and act around the people from my former life. I was a completely different person now. The anxiety caused me to throw up more than once before I managed to finally fall asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N : I can't remember if I said it at the beginning, but I may make a lot of seemingly random changes/assumptions when it comes to characters ages, relationships and situations, because I haven't read the books in many years and am writing from memory. If I mess something up hugely, pretend that's how it was in the series to save me the embarrassment. :D Thanks.

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Noémie parked her car in the parking lot of my father's house. I took several deep breaths before mustering up the courage to get out, and together we headed towards the front door. Before we could even knock, Sharon had rushed to the door and opened it - she'd seen us from her bedroom window.

"You look so different!" Sharon squealed as she pulled me in for a hug. She politely introduced herself to Noémie and let us inside.

It had been so long since I'd stepped foot inside this house, and yet it was exactly as I remembered it. The decor, the smells. I later found out that the rooms hadn't even changed, mine still with an unmade bed and makeup scattered across the desk where I'd gotten ready for my graduation ceremony. I remember leaving in such a hurry, thinking I would clean it up after I got home.

I directed Noémie to the living room, and found Dawn and Jeff sitting next to each other on the couch. Noémie introduced herself, explaining that she was my roommate in Toronto. A surprised expression came across Dawn's face and she turned her glance towards me.

"You live in Canada, Ryanne?" she asked, rolling her eyes at the name Noémie had referred to me as. I could feel my face turning red, and I fought with myself to not revert back to shy, unsure little Mary Anne.

As awkward as I felt, I explained to Dawn that I'd been to afraid to deal with the lives of all of my friends changing, going into wonderful new places, while mine was stuck in Stoneybrook with no prospects. I apologized and began to cry (typical!), and Dawn stood up and hugged me tightly. She pulled me next to her on the couch while Noémie and Jeff left to the kitchen.

"I was worried about you, you know?" Dawn cried with me. "I only found out a couple months ago that you were still talking to your father - he was keeping it a secret, just like you asked!" I appreciated that my father had kept his word and respected my wishes, but at the same time it made me feel incredibly guilty.

I apologized again, over and over, and Dawn insisted that she forgave me. We spoke about Kristy for a few minutes as well, before my father came into the room.

"My little girl is so -" he choked. "I can't believe how long it's been!" I got up from the couch and gave him the biggest hug I could, and again began to cry.

It felt amazing to see my family again - after being away for so long, I'd forgotten how much I missed them. I stood back and soaked in how much everyone had changed. My father had grown a sophisticated mustache, sprinkled with grey to match his hair, which had also begun to recede slightly. Sharon had hardly changed, save for a few discreet wrinkles that appeared when she smiled. Jeff had grown into a strong looking man, and I learned that he had become a star hockey player. And Dawn, she looked beautiful as always - her hair still long and pale blonde and her skin was glowing. What I hadn't noticed when I hugged her had become apparent when I gave her a second look - she was hiding a slight baby bump!

Noémie had also noticed this fact, and asked Dawn how far along she was (five months), and if the father was in Stoneybrook or California. Dawn hesitantly explained, after looking at my father and Sharon, that she'd been living with him in Stoneybrook for almost eight months.

Before I could ask any questions, a quick knock came to the door and Sharon jumped up to answer it. A familiar male voice came from the doorway and continued to become louder as he walked toward the livingroom. It was Logan Bruno! My heart raced with excitement.

Logan entered the room with a wide grin, his eyes twinkling as they always had. He looked exactly as I remembered him, just older and more muscular. I fell back in love with him in the instant he walked in the room.

He hadn't noticed that I or Noémie had arrived yet, and he quickly sat next to Dawn and rubbed her stomach softly. Dawn's head jerked towards me, her eyes bulging and her mouth open - what I imagined my face had looked like at that moment. It couldn't be true! The father of Dawn's baby was... Logan Bruno? The love of my life?

Sharon interrupted the moment quickly. "Logan, you remember Mary Anne, right?"

Logan turned to face me and smiled. "Wow, long time, no -"

"I know!" I cut him off. "Excuse me..." I practically lunged off of the couch and up the stairs, heading straight for the bathroom. I felt completely humiliated, and half wished there was a secret passage way in this house that led to the end of the Earth so I could fall off of it.

I heard a knock on the door, and then Noémie called out from the hallway, asking to come in. I allowed her to, and she held my hand softly. "Are you okay, hun?" she asked, a hint of her French accent making it's way to her voice.

I told her about Logan being my first love, how we'd been on and off since before high school. Maybe it was stupid of me to expect him to come right back to me after all these years? But I would never have thought Dawn would...

A quiet knock came to the door, and this time it was Dawn asking to come in. Noémie excused herself and allowed Dawn to come in. She sat next to me on edge of the bathtub, and just as No mie had done, Dawn had taken my hand in hers and rubbed it gently.

"Logan and I aren't together," Dawn blurted out.


	4. Chapter 4

Dawn asked me if I would go for a walk with her so she could explain. I agreed, and we quietly left through the front door. Just like when we were teenagers, we naturally headed for a small forest behind the school.

"I understand how you could've interpreted that as.... you know," Dawn stammered. "And, I'm going to be honest with you..."

"Okay," I rolled my eyes, more to disguise the tears forming than anything. It was as if being in Stoneybrook automatically transformed me into an emotional basketcase.

Dawn and I sat down on a large rock. "Logan and I aren't together, but he is the father of my child..." I struggled to choke back tears. "It isn't like that, Mary Anne!"

"What is it like?" I snapped.

"I'm Logan's surrogate mother!" Dawn shouted to me. She hesitated, waiting for me to say something. I stared at her, shocked, so she continued. "When I moved back here, my friend Ducky - do you remember him? He goes by his real name, Chris now-" I nodded. "Well, he and I moved into our apartment, and... long story short? He's gay. And Logan's gay, too..."

"WHAT?" my face instantly went from pale to crimson. Of all the ridiculous things that had been running through my mind, this was not one of them. I'd convinced myself that seeing him again would lead to us dating again, and eventually getting married and having kids and living happily ever after. I didn't know what to think.

"Are you okay?" Dawn asked. I could tell she was unsure how I felt about the issue of homosexuality in general, so she was especially concerned about my feelings on Logan and Chris. To be honest, I wasn't sure how I felt about either - it had never come in my life until this point.

Freaked out, I nervously leaned into Dawn for a hug which she returned. I told her my plan of seducing Logan and having him move to Toronto with me. Although I was crying, both Dawn and I managed to laugh.

A/N: I've never read ANY of the California Diaries, so everything I know about Ducky AKA Chris is from wikipedia. So, in other words, basically nothing. No hate pls! :D And no, I won't do an author's note every chapter. And no, not every chapter will be stupidly short. :D Thanks for reading. 


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